What It'd Be Like

Have you ever felt like a complete waste of atoms?
Like the future was something you just couldn't fathom
And you didn't even want to
Like you're not dead yet, but you're less than alive
And you gotta admit you're curious to know what it'd be like to die
Cause it seems like no one's there when you need it the most
But everyone will care when you turn into a ghost
I was the 10 the first time I put a razor to my veins
There was barely any blood cause I was startled by the pain
Don't ask me to explain
I can't remember what was going through my brain
I try not to think about it much and I haven't
I didn't know then that this would turn into my habit
I was a child, lost like so many
Uncool and unaware
Misunderstood and unprepared
I couldn't fight the world when I was too upset or too pissed
But somehow I felt in control with a knife to my wrist
I remember when I had my first kiss
It was 30 seconds of bliss
Followed by years of regret
Every day we'd meet 3rd period in the girls bathroom stall
But I couldn't even hold her hand as we walked down the hall
She was open and I was broken hoping no one could see through our "just friends" facade
Cause what would they think of me?
I wanted to be normal so badly
So much so that sadly
I left her for some guy
Lying, trying to convince myself that she was just a phase
Just something I had to try you know, just in case
Just a phase like these cuts that would fade
But these scars on my heart will never go away
I hate who I was then but I'll forgive myself some day
I remember the first time my mother saw my wounds
She was angry, upset, crying, confused
But that was also the first time I realized I had people that cared for me
That were worried and scared for me
And I cried
For all the times I honestly wished I would've died
I remember the first time I put a pencil to the page
The words cut me deeper than the sharpest end of any blade
And as I shed away the skin of the little girl I used to be
Finally I could see
And finally I was free
I remember the first time I learned how to be me
So have you ever felt like a complete waste of atoms?
Like the future was something you just couldn't fathom
And you didn't even want to
Like you're not dead yet, but you're less than alive
And you gotta admit you're curious to know what it'd be like to die
Cause it seems like no one's there when you need it the most
But everyone will care when you turn into a ghost
I know it's hard to tell but there are brighter days to come
Days you'll never get to see if you let yourself succumb
Love yourself, and never ever stop
Just stop trying to be someone that you're not
Depression is a motherfucker, but show him that you're stronger
Even when it feels like you can't take it any longer
And even when it feels like you've got nothing left to give
You gotta admit you're curious to know what it'd be like to live